I'm still not taking calls. I think my mobile could be trying harder...My, erm, 'playroom' is looking more like a tasteful reception room and the other day I cleaned the bathroom for the first time in a week. This is all very unusual. Over my many years of conducting sessions in various 'dungeons' (every cliche you imagine is true), I have compiled a list of pet hates. Shall I share them with you? Sure thing. (No doubt they will seem a bit weird. In this industry, reason doesn't stand a chance.)

Number 1 - Wipe clean gymnasium inspired furniture. Who ever decided that this was the decor of choice? It's black metal frames, covered with wipe clean leather. Practical, yes. But, also hideous. I once sessioned somewhere renowned in New York. Their dungeon was actually like a dungeon. The floor was concrete with puddles of water in the corner. The two pieces of furniture in the room were both broken. This establishment had an equipment storeroom that one had to raid in preparation for dealing with the client. There was little in there other than a couple of broken canes, a few bits of rope and a comedy rubber fist. (I didn't have any toys with me as the MAN could have stopped, searched and confined me at the airport in NY, before sending me back here. This happened to a couple of friends of mine. They were shackled hand to foot and forced to piss in the corner for 24 hours. Some would find this kinky, not me.) So, I went into session armed with some broken rope and the words: Use your imagination. The management seemed to think the state of the place was normal. I'm getting off my point: fetish furniture is ugly.

Number 2 - Cleaning products on display. You shouldn't need to make it obvious that you hose down everything the client even looked sideways at. This should be a given. Cleaning products aren't sexy. Even those clients/slaves who want to clean aren't enamoured with the products themselves. It's more about me telling them to get their head down my toilet. (Hence my endless concern about cleanliness in the bathroom).

Number 3 - Dirty dungeons. It's hard to fathom, but most dungeons with cleaning products on display are filthy. This is generally the case where one rents by the hour. When sessions are booked back to back, it just becomes ridiculous. All those wipe down surfaces are covered with slime. I once shared a space with possibly the dirtiest Mistress in the universe. But, this was because she was both drunk and didn't give a shit.

Number 4 - Mistresses out Mistressing each other. It's not a competition. But, it's hilarious to watch women attempting to out dominate each other in front of some guy who doesn't understand - or care - about what's going on.

Number 5 - A bucket of greasy strap-ons in the corner. I used to manage BDSM establishments that were required by law to run like brothels. (How abhorrent and uncivilised, I know). One drug addled lunatic sessioned and buggered off home, leaving a BUCKET full of offending articles behind. As manager, I was responsible for them. Later, another Mistress was sessioning in the room and half way through, realised her slave was lying on a puddle of goo in the form of underpants. It was very dark in there. I would say, this particular place rivaled the one in New York for crapness. Although, at least there was equipment in the room.

BDSM has it's toys and some players become obsessed with gadgets. I'm more into appropriating things. It does also bother me that the latest and greatest toys are merely invented for naked profiteering, while being marketed as totally necessary...It's like any other industry. I always claim that it's amazing what you can do with a few bits of string, some dental floss and a few clothes pegs.

More waffling later. I have eight years of stories as well as other people's anecdotes to cover. So, I expect to be writing for a while. I've been interviewed many times, appeared in documentaries and even had one made just about me...During this, I was keeping a 'work diary', but then I quit the biz for a while and turfed it all away. All I'm saying is that I've got a lot to say.